A Billion Tractors

A novel by: Mark Baldi-Biek (with 4 insets by Sean P. Cecil and 2 by Corine Porter)

(bidet: little French washing thing, resembles toilet)

A billion tractors sitting in a really big field. One was blown up by terrorists, and then there were 999,999,999. 999,999,999 tractors plowing down trees for less than minimum wage. One went on strike without consulting the union first and was rubbed out, and then there were 999,999,998. 999,999,998 tractors sitting in a cheap garage. One didn't pass smog inspection and then there were 999,999,997. 999,999,997 tractors visiting a home for orphans. One converted to Communism and went to Siberia to farm, and then there were 999,999,996. 999,999,996 tractors on their way to a Hell's Angels convention. 900,000,000 decided to get in touch with their true feelings and joined a New Age cult and are meditatin on an old runway in Georgia, and then there were 99,999,996. 99, 999,996 tractors trying to rescue the 900,000,000 tractors that were brainwashed into selling daisies in a Dallas airport, and then there were 996. 996 tractors walking through the woods in Minnesota. One stepped on a bear trap that was guarding a pot grove, and then there were 995. 995 tractors in an alley in New York. Two went upstairs with prostitutes and were mugged and shot, and then there were 993. 993 tractors taking pre-med school finals. 13 couldn't handle the stress and show themselves and 3 other tractors, and then there were 977. 977 tractors in Germany. 5 tractors had Jewish ancestry and were killed by neo-nazi skinheads, and then there were 972. 972 tractors having premarital sex. 2 had children and had to drop all future plans, and then there were 970. 970 tractors duscissing the other 2. 3 found out they had kids too and ran off to be monks and were never seen again, and then there were 967. 967 tractors not doing anything. The all powerful writer of the story knocked off 7 for no apparent reason, and then there were 960. 960 tractors having a group discussion. 10 started a group where lumberjacks could get in touch with their feelings, and then there were 950. 950 tractors warring with "those slimy lumberjack weirdos". Then 10 ex-tranctors got killed along with 4 non-lumberjack tractors, and then there were 946. 946 tractors doing various activities of no purpose. One hypnotized himself into thinking he was a revolutionary and blew himself and 1 other tractor up, and then there were 944. 944 tractors mourning for the 2 martyrs. 1 died of grief and his lover took out Burger King, and then there were 943 tractors and 4 dead Yuppies who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 943 tractors reminiscing about old times. 2 had Vietnam flashbacks and tried to remove the steel plates in their heads, and then there were 941. 943 tractors supporting nuclear power in Chernobyl. 4 died long horrible, bald deaths of cancer, and then there were 939. 939 tractors getting gas at a Chevron. One stole a pack of lifesavers, was arrested, sued for emotional distress, won several million dollars, and moved in with Ivana Trump, and then there were 938. The Great and Powerful God of the Story "A Billion Tractors" decided this was taking too long so he knocked off 8 more tractors making a total of 15 writer's block induced deaths, and then there were 938. 938 tractors going through a dupster behind Safeway in Anderson. One got AIDS from a rusty spoon and spread it to 7 other tractors by methods unmentionable, and then there were 930. 930 tractors shopping for shoes. One got Air Jodan's and was killed for them by 6 other tractors, and then there 929. [Editor's Note: Our in-house physicist, using Einstein's little known Theory of Idiocy, discovered several major errors in the story. Previously mentioned was the fact that the tractors encountered a pot forest. The Great Stoned God of the Story forgot to mention that a great number of tractors were killed from eating all of the illegally made brownies, making the correct number of tractors 729, not 929 as was mentioned in the latter paragraph. And now back to the story.].
And then there were 729, not 929. 729 tractors drinker water. One swallowed a tadpole, and had to have his stomach pumped, but the doctors missed his stomach and he got an enema instead, smelled extremely fetid and rank and was forced to leave the group of tractors, and then there were 728. 728 intellectual tractors reading "War and Peace" and discussing the meaning of the Life of Brian and throwing gourds about in a sensual, feminine, way. Suddenly 14 were run over by a truck, and then there were 714. 714 tractors making blowtorches with hairspray cans. One can blew up and killed 2 of them, and then there were 712. 710 tractors and two more tractors that are lepers playing football. The two lepers got crumbled into little bits and blew away with the wind, and then there were 710. 710 tractors minding their own business. Kelly Hart asked the All Powerful Story Figure to wipe out 12 tractors just for her, and then there were 698. 698 tractors reading Shakespeare. Two decided they wanted to wear tights like the guys did in Romeo and Juliet and went to Sweden to become ballet dancers, and then there were 696. 696 tractors committing sinful acts. One was caught adulterizing and was sent to hell where he had to watch daytime television for eternity, and then there were 695. 695 tractors being promiscuous. One got genital warts and spread them to four other tractors by methods unmentionable, and then there were 690. 690 tractors driving through LA. One was beat up for speeding and 10 were killed in a riot and then there were 679. 679 tractors at a dairy farm. One blind tractor tried to get milk from a bull and had his genitals removed with a milk machine, and then there were 678. 678 tractors at an overcrowded beach surfing. Two got stuck in a porta-potty and starved when the feces were gone, and then there were 676. 676 tractors changing a light bulk. [Editor's Note: As tractors cannot change light bulbs, the 6 tractors responsible will be sacked.] And then there were 670. 670 tractors trying to defy gravity. 2 succeeded and were sucked into space where they died of oxygen starvation, lack of atmosphere, and they froze before they could reach the sun and then there 668. 668 tractors trying to be Yuppies. One accidentally tied his sweater into a hangman's noose around his neck and was killed when his minivan pulled him and his quiche off the balcony of the condo, and then there were 667. 667 tractors gamely attending MHS. Three were wrongly accused of doing drugs and when they sobered up they left before they could be meaninglessly expelled, and then there were 664. 664 tractors beating themselves. One left to become a fulltime masochist and spent the rest of his life handcuffing himself to a bed and repeatedly whipping himself under the mirrors on the ceiling, and then there were 663. 663 tractors discussing theology. One frizzed up his hair and went for a job at a religious TV station as a professional fat lady that cries whenever the evangelist says something, and then there were 662. 662 tractors at the arcade. One accidentally digitized himself and is now in a game called "You Be the Contactor", and then there were 661. 661 tractors revealing their deep dark secrets. One was found to be a woman and had to leave this is an all male group of tractors, and then there were 660. 660 tractors fighting sexual discrimination lawsuits. 3 got hit by molotov cocktails, and then there were 657. 657 doing pre-NATO realist, maxist paintings. One suffered severe brain damange from the Marxist paint fumes and went to China trtying to promote Communism and was shot for unnecessary advertising, and then there were 656.